Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Confession : I Stumbled

More like took a swan dive into a pit of destruction last night. I'm very embarrassed and ashamed that it happened, and even more that I'm sharing it here. I need to fess up to these pitfalls, though. It will help me understand why I keep giving in to Mr F.

Yesterday started just perfectly! I jumped for joy (and then tweeted with my friends!) about hitting the 45lb loss mark. Whoo hoo - on top of the world!!

Cue the tray of Cupcakes that fell into my lap within 5minutes of arriving to work. The totally amazing work of my fellow coworker and my rumbling stomach made for a deadly combo. It's okay, I told myself. It's just one cupcake.

Lunch was good. I ate my beautiful shrimp salad, delighted in my apple, and sipped my perfectly planned Vanilla Red Tea. Then, for whatever reason I'm still trying to grasp, all hell broke loose when I got home. It went something like this:

Walk in door. Kiss fiance off to work. Baby crying. Baby sleeping again. Nothing to eat in the fridge. Didn't weight out my food last night. Why did I eat that cupcake this morning? Crap I forgot my medication at work. Well this day is totally shot out the window! Maybe I'll just have one package of Ramen. Screw that, if I'm gonna go all out, let's go all out.

I knew it wasn't right. I knew I would hate myself in the morning. Actually, I knew I would hate myself WHILE binging. I just .. didn't .. care.

Over the course of two hours (hangs head in shame) this is what I ate
-Two packages of Ramen
-Two Pumpkin Saffron Cupcakes
-Package of Popcorn
-Cheese Sandwich
(then I got crazy)
-Grape Koolaid

I don't even know what to say from here. Of course I got on the scale this morning. I was up 5 lbs. Not a surprise at all, but I still felt like crying. Why do I do this to myself? I've been working so hard. I just threw away at least a weeks worth of work. Now, my biggest issue is trying to feel motivated to KEEP GOING. I'm now back at 170lbs - and feel like a total fraud.

Time to focus on moving forward, but I'm also trying to figure out .. what went wrong?!

What do you do when you have major set backs?
What triggers your stumbles?


  1. This happens to me occasionally, and I really do tend think it's hormonal but the best advice I can give you is to just leave it behind. Forget about it, and start fresh today. The trick is to not let it bring you down. So, brush yourself off and hop back on the wagon with us. We're cheering for you no matter what happens. Just keep going!

  2. Emily, I really feel ya today. This morning I stepped on the scale to find myself up three pounds. I've been in a terrible mood ever since. It feels like weekend decisions plus last night's decision to make brownies (what the hell was I thinking... THEY AREN'T EVEN VERY GOOD... I blame the cupcake) led me to screw it all up.

    I know we can get back to The Plan, but it's so hard when it feels like you're back where you started. *hugs*

  3. Thank you, friends, for the encouraging words! I know the best thing to do is to MOVE ON. I'm just so perplexed as to why it happened in the first place ... I know that not being prepped with my food all weighed out (which I usually do) was a big part of it.

    Mezz - damn those cupcakes. DAMN THEM!! ;) I'm sorry you're up on the scale too. Let's stop messing around, huh? Let's just freaking DO THIS.

  4. It happens to me as well, usually when there is bad food in the house.

    My neighbor is pregnant so I made her a treat. I still have the ingredients for said treat in my cupboard and eat a handful of chocolate chips every night. Plus a graham cracker. Or two. Then ice cream.

    I do not yet have the skills to deal with having food in my house and not eating it, so it's better if it's not there in the first place. Maybe that's your issue as well?

    Thank you for sharing, though. That says a lot about your commitment to openness.

  5. It happens to all of us. Isn't it odd how when it's happening you feel like you just NEED it...and then afterwards when we you see how much you've gained you hate yourself ughhh as you can see, I've certainly been there!

  6. I know exactly how you feel. I hate it when those things happen. Sometimes it can be stress or boredom or just the fact that you are riding a high from weight loss so you lose focus for a little bit. Just remember that you need to take things one MEAL at a time and you will be fine. You will get right back on track and lose that weight before you know it. The most important thing is to try to forgive yourself.

  7. I'm sorry that you felt bad!! It can (and does) happen to all of us. The important thing is to accept that it happened, and just move on.

    Today is a new day! Can't wait to Skype tonight!!

  8. My thoughts having been there too:

    Having hit a new milestone is hard, it challenges us to see ourselves differently and when we can't hide under the weight anymore it's stressful, it's what we know to do, so we eat.

    Second thing, I see is maybe something psychological that happens around calorie restriction, our bodies eventually freak out! We don't like being told we can't have, we shouldn't have and we flake the heck out. Are you working in foods that you love but maybe aren't super healthy to make sure you're not depriving yourself?

    Literally, I hit 133 lbs and I went on a 2 week binge, it was the most out of control my ED has ever been, all after losing the 90. I had to go to therapy it was so bad.

    You too shall oversome.

  9. If I deprive myself for too long, this will happen to me. I just get back on the horse. The next day will be better. One day won't ruin your diet, as long as you don't let it. What is great is that you may have gained five pounds today, but as long as you start to make healthy eating choices again, it won't take very long to lose that five pounds again. Congratulations on your success so far!

  10. Don't let it get you down! Sometimes we all slip up. In previous diets I've let that end it but this time I know I will slip up and I'll just have to keep going.

  11. I know how you feel---I am a nighttime eater. I'll do so well for the whole week and then just lose control one night and feel so disappointed in myself. But I've learned that beating myself up about it only makes me feel worse, and makes eating healthy harder. The only thing to do it to keep on keeping on, and you WILL get there. Don't worry, you're not alone.

  12. Thank you everyone, for the kind words! This week has been much better.

    Anonymous - you are not alone either <3

  13. Thanks for sharing. Been there! Have you read Women, Food, and God? I am in the middle of it, it seems helpful. You are brave, don't beat yourself up. All that truely exists is right now, and all you can do is be in right now. Look yourself in the mirror and tell that girl you love her. You are an amazing women and I can only imagine amazing mom also. You are not your relationship to food nor am I.
    Love you and thanks again for this wonderful blogb :-)


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