Things are looking up this week! I'm down a considerable amount of weight, thanks to my new diet plan (I swear to GOD I'll post about it this weekend. Getting lots of questions!) and I'm feeling ... well ... like the old me. The me that thought everything was possible.
Adam (my fiance) and I were chatting about my overall history of overeating. Mid-way through our talk I said "I've never really had a great relationship with food." To which he responded .. "so, for now you have to have a non-relationship?" This got me thinking. Food and I, well, we've had a rough road. It's been quite romantical at times and deadly in others. I just keep coming back to this bad romance.
*i apologize for said Lady Gaga reference. As my friend Danielle quite eloquently put it : "That chick is the McDonald's of the music world." ha!*
It's true, isn't it? Food, Mr F, is like a passionate lover we just don't want to give up. Sure, he makes us feel uneasy, we become unhealthy, he runs our lives and makes us believe we'll never find anything better than him. But, for any of us who has lusted after, made-out with, and perhaps wrestled around the bedroom with the bad boy we know that no amount of chapped thighs and bruised self-esteem can sway us. Because when it's good, it's guuuuuuuhd.
Let me illustrate this downward-spiraling relationship:
Mr F and you are casually seeing each other. Life is grand! Sure, you might consume a bit more of him than is necessary, but you're in love dammit! He makes you feel comfortable and at ease with all imperfections in your life.
For me : This is my entire childhood. While I wasn't a heavy over eater, food made me feel good about myself. My mother died when I was 12, and I was constantly looking for something to calm me. Something to center me and put me at ease. Pasta, pizza, burgers, anything that numbed me into the ever sought after food coma. I loved food. I lurrrrved it. Totally unaware that he was tricking me into .....
Mr F is now MR F. You devour his every move. You want him all the time. Anywhere. Fast. Now. NOW DAMMIT. Several times in a row. You can't stop yourself. You crave him. He's starting you kind of make you sick, a little like a crack-addict. But who the hell cares?! He is ecstasy.
For me : I have spent from ages 16-25, sexing the crap out of MR F. Drive through orders with two meals, not just one. Two foot long sub sandwiches. An entire pizza in 10 minutes. 1 pound of pasta in a sitting. I loved loved loved my delicious life. . . . right? Although I was massively in love with food, I was never in love with me.
Then there's that moment. You know the one. Where you were sick of Mr F telling you how worthless you are. How you don't deserve to be healthy; to be loved by anyone else. But you're sick of being fat, being sad, being fun. You miss the old you, or in some cases - you miss the person you know you could be.
Phase 3 : The Break-Up
It's just not worth it anymore. You deserve something better than Mr F, and you know it. It's going to be a hard road. You might be lovers again someday, but in a much different setting. You will be in control. YOU will be the one to choose.
For me: Currently in break-up mode. I look at other people's food blogs and feel a twinge in my heart. They can love Mr F and be okay. Right now, I'm in recovery mode. I need to have a "non-relationship" view of him, and analyze my true need for him in my life. Take the parts of him I like and throw away the rest ;)
This doesn't mean that Mr F and I will never be together. I depend on him too much. He's too much a part of my life. This is about forming a healthy relationship and moving forward for the future me that I so desperately want to meet.
Let's just say for now, we're in couples consoling.