Monday, August 9, 2010

Who Says So?

This morning I'm heading off to my new job. My first real job, actually. I've been a slave to sports bars, big-box retail establishments, insurance companies, coffee shops, copy shops, and the occasional plasma donation centers. No longer! I have a salary, (albeit small one) my own desk, benefits, and even a fancy-pants name badge. I know you're impressed.

So starting this job meant a few things that semi-terrified me:
  1. I have to make new friends.
  2. I have to buy new work clothes.
  3. I have to eat in a public space, probably alone for a while.
.. and I have to do all of these things fat.

Sounds a bit crazy, right? But hear me out. I'm still very much a Fat Thinker (someone who thinks awful fat things about herself that aren't necessarily true) which is something I'm committed to changing. But for now ... let the crazy spew.

Making new friends has always been pretty easy, actually, for me because I overcompensate my "fatness" with funny. I know you know what I'm talking about. A lot of us chubby ladies seem to think we have something extra to prove. At least, that's definitely how I feel! I've got to be nice, funny, wonderful to be around. When people pass by my desk I want them to say "Oh, that's the new girl Emily. She's so super nice and fun to be around." not "Oh, that's the new girl .. she's pretty heavy, huh?"  Don't even get me started on work clothes. They never fit right. My butt's too small compared to my gut. Button-up work shirts are out of the question. Eating in a public space? I feel like all eyes are on my every move. People judge you if you eat too much or if you're not eating as much as they thought people of your size eat. This is all real, right? There's no way it's all in my head ... or is it?

This got me thinking about how often I've told myself I can't do something because I'm overweight. How stupid is that? Very. I know it's not something I can change overnight, but I certainly want to start trying! Who says I can't rock a new job at 269lbs? Who says I can't be an interesting person with out being a skinny minnie? Who says I can't be HAPPY? If I'm the only one really telling myself it's not possible ... well, pffft, forget that! I don't trust my instincts lately anyway. Just yesterday I watched a whole hour of Jersey Shore. (insert shudder)

Face it Emily, sometimes you can just be wrong.

Food for Thought:
What kind of "fat thoughts" do you think?
Have you made steps to stop this negative pattern?


  1. You have every right to be happy and take pride in the beautiful, smart, powerful, inspirational and strong ROCKSTAR of a woman that you are. :)
    Love you!!!

  2. I'm working my way through your blog, and I can definitely feel what you're saying (I realize I'm commenting like months late). I also feel really bad that I brought those cupcakes! I read that post yesterday.

    Anyway, I get those same feelings a lot and since we work at the same place, I thought it was worth mentioning. I feel that way ALL THE TIME! I worry about what people think when I come down the hall. I try to be super nice so people don't think of me as the fat girl. If I buy a granola bar out of the vending machine for breakfast, I worry people think, "She really doesn't need any candy." I also feel that I have to be smarter and more competent than people who are more attractive than me in order to be recognized. I actually kind of think that last one is true, though.


Thank you for taking the time to comment - I'll try to respond in a timely fashion!